he listens to me in our secret place [25 Jun 2006|05:32pm] i have had moments when i desperately want to be heard. times when i get tired of listening to other people's problems and want to take my turn to be listened to. i usually think of a few names i would want to talk to - but i would resort in just keeping for myself all that i have to say and let the desperation pass without having been soothed. i choose to not talk to anybody because of lack of trust. i always feel scared that if i open up to someone - that someone would spill. and i don't think that i would want to go through the same hurt again. so i have gotten myself used to not letting anyone be too close to me. but i have realized that i can talk to someone else - a stranger. yesterday - while i was on the taxi on a way to a meeting - i had a little chat with the driver. i found out that he was part of the military before. he lives in laguna and drives that taxi every other day. he has retired from the military and has been driving the taxi for two years now. he told me he was hungry and would love to eat tuyo after dropping me off. our conversation took less than half an hour - the conversation started when i got in his taxi and that's where it all ended too. imagine if there's this one place - with but one person who you can share all your heartaches and experiences with. it doesn't matter if you know each other's name. all you would really care about is to be able to open up  - and that person, although a complete stranger that he is, would be there and just listen. he doesn't have to say anything - he just has to be there with his listening ears. like a heavy burden taken from your back - it would be such a relief to talk aimlessly about yourself. and the nicest thing about it is that once you leave that place - it's over. you wouldn't have to worry about being talked at your back. the conversation starts and ends in one place with one person you're not attached to. there's no pain. no trust. no vulnerability. that's the beauty of talking to a stranger. i think that once in a while - we need to go to our secret place where no emotions are hurt - just stories heard. 2 chika usi

bow [03 Jun 2006|02:30pm] chocolate mousse has helped me through a lot of tough times. some people buy cake for celebration - but i buy 'em when i'm sad. today - i bought one. sadness isn't a bad thing. sadness helps me depend on God more. this morning, i woke up feeling blue - i immediately told God about it and felt comfortable acknowledging my vulnerability to Him. he told me to just be still and know that He's God [ yes, that's from a song ] - so, i did. the sadness hasn't gone away but i'm at peace that God is at work and that all things will work for my own good. one of the things that i've learned about Him is that He will take care of everything. like - in circumstances when we feel like everything is going wrong - it's really not. it's just that God's power and wisdom are unfathomable. we ought to be grateful that He does things in His way and not ours. and that's not something we need to worry about because God is not against us, He is for us. Dear God, Thank you for giving me a seat in the bus on my way home. I can never thank you enough for the simplest and grandest things you've shown me how much you love me. Give me a heart that always trust and a mouth that never grumble. I love you! 2 chika usi

patience [31 May 2006|02:53pm] " when i said i'd wait - i meant it... ... but the uncertainty of waiting is by far the hardest part... " there are nights when i'd feel really lonely. i would then ask God to hug me until i fall asleep. He does. the next morning, i wake up and greet him with a smile. He has always held my fragile heart. love isn't something you should watch out for. true love, i guess, comes when you least expect it.  when you're okay with being alone - true love surprises you and knocks you off your feet. you've waited for so long - and it's finally here. but - it hasn't happened to me yet. i'm still on the wait. what frustrates me are the distractions. it's true what the Book says about the heart - it's deceitful above all. the answer is to not do anything about it - the best way to go about it is to stand up under it - and know that He will see me through. having been molded by such a great Person through all these years is proof that He will do more. i'm on the wait for my beautiful Lover. usi

beautiful tomorrow [09 Apr 2006|09:45am] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | in the light - dc talk ] ang labo na talaga ng mata ko. i went to school yesterday for an intern lecture. i was supposed to meet up with janice at the cafeteria - but as i was about to go there i saw this girl waiting for the elevator. she seemed to be looking at me - so i looked at her and tried to figure out who she was. then i saw a smile. it was janice. i actually just saw a blurry image of a girl. ga! i hope she wasn't offended that i wasn''t able to smile back. i did explain to her that my eyesight is getting worse though. that's why i try to not look too far away.  there's no point in doing it - i'll just offend people :-S but it has taught me that even if i try to figure out distant things - i really wouldn't be able to recognize them unless i get closer. it's the same thing with trying to figure out what'll happen in the future. like, even if i plan things ahead - i really don't have any control of what'll happen. eventhough i can't see what's ahead - i am close enough to see today. every morning, as i thank God for the new day - he gives me an understanding that today is what i have. all i have is 24 hours minus 8 hours of sleep. that's 16 hours to do everything else. there isn't enough time to worry about tomorrow or get depressed with what happened yesterday. don't get me wrong - i am still excited for things ahead. but i now understand that my eyes should be kept not on it but on the One who holds it. i am very much secure that as i give my best with today - it'll open a door for a beautiful tomorrow. usi

unlove [06 Apr 2006|08:22pm] i can't unlove you. a Kenny Rogers song reminded me of an emotion i once felt. i don't think that i fell truly, madly, deeply in love - but it was close to it. real close.  about three years ago - i fell for this guy. i don't know how it happened exactly - what i do know was that i couldn't tell anyone about it: i secretly adored the guy. it drove me nuts - like i'd be in my highest high when we'd spend time together but after that - i'd be hurt because i knew that he wasn't right for me. it was a different feeling - it wasn't the same with having crushes. i can't really explain it - but it was a wonderful feeling. and i took advantage of it - i turned my back on myself for the guy. like whenever he needed me - regardless of other important things to do - i'd put him first.  and in a way, i knew that that wasn't right. but at that time, i just couldn't stop myself. eventually - after a couple of years - the need to put him first vanished. just as i have no clue of how i fell for him - i too, don't know how the emotion ended. but now that i think about it - although i don't feel any attachment to him at all. a familiar emotion has stuck with me. i guess he'd always own a part of my heart. i wish to take it back - but i guess i can't unlove him. usi

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